Martin,
I have been trying to tame the beast inside, to harness the anger that sometimes threatens to bubble over. When I think about what Mary and Ethan are doing, ... I just want to last out. I want to point out their lies, their hypocrisy, but I can't. I have to sit here like a good little girl and hope that they decide toss me a crumb every once in a while, sit here nicely, blend into the background in hopes that they'll paint me in a good light when/if they ever talk to you about me.
If I step a toe out of line, they can make things hard for me - from just doing everything possible to make you not want to find me in the future to taking legal action to keep me away. If I do anything to make them feel threatened, it'll make them feel justified in closing the adoption.
Assholes. I hate the fact that they lied and connived to get a baby. I hate the fact that they hold all the cards. And I hate the fact that they are using God to justify their actions.
ARGH!! Hear her? The angry monster inside that still grieves the lost of her firstborn?
But I can't let her see the light of day... I must drown her, pull her into any abyss, refuse to let her make me feel that bundle of emotions - fear, sadness, remorse, ... hate.
That's why I haven't posted lately. It's hard to keep the bitter emotions out of my posts. I realize that this is one of the few places that I have that Mary and Ethan can't screw with, but if I let her peek out here every now and again, I fear that those feelings might overtake me. And I can't do that to my family, to allow myself be pulled back into that ocean of despair.
I love you, Martin. And I hate that this is happening. But I am helpless... just ... helpess to do anything but wait.
